It seems that the blessed Lord wants to exercise me in patience; He has no compassion, either for my tears or for my most sorrowful state. Without Him, I see myself immersed in the greatest miseries; I believe that there is no soul more wicked than mine. Even though when I am with Jesus I see myself cattiva [bad] more than ever, however, since I am with Him who possesses all goods, my soul finds the remedy for all evils. But when I do not have Him, everything is over for me - there is no more remedy for my great miseries; and what is more, I am oppressed by the thought that my state is no longer His Will, and not being in His Will, I seem to be outside of the center, and many times I think of how to go out of It.
Now, being with these dispositions, I felt Him behind my shoulders, saying to me: "You are tired, aren’t you?" And I: “Yes Lord, I feel quite tired.” And He continued: "Ah, my daughter, do not go out of My Will, because by going out of My Will, you come to lose the knowledge of Me, and not knowing Me, you come to lose the knowledge of yourself. In fact, only in the reflections of the light can one distinguish with clarity whether there is gold or mud; if everything is darkness objects can easily be confused. Now, the light is My Will, which gives you the knowledge of Me, and in the reflections of this light you come to know who you are; and in seeing your weakness, your pure nothingness, you cling to My Arms and, united with My Will, you live with Me in Heaven. But if you want to go out of My Will, first you would come to lose true humility, and then you would come to live on the earth and would be forced to feel the earthly weight, to moan and sigh like all the other unfortunate who live outside of My Will." Having said this, He withdrew without even letting Himself be seen. Who can say the torment of my soul?